GOP Vixen

That burrito's fully loaded

From the Beavis and Butt-head file, but oh-so-true: A call about a possible weapon at a middle school in Clovis, N.M., on Friday resulted in a campus lockdown, armed police officers on rooftops and barricaded streets. It turned out to be a jumbo burrito with guac, steak, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos wrapped in aluminum foil. Cornholio would be proud.

Cold feet or foul play?

The first thing I noticed when I pulled up the Associated Press story on the missing bride-to-be on Yahoo News was the big advertisement for floral bouquets on the page. Taste issues aside, police and volunteers are looking for Jennifer Wilbanks, 32, who disappeared days before her wedding while on a nighttime jog in Duluth, Ga.

Now, I would have been highly tempted to run from a 600-guest wedding with 14 (!) bridesmaids and 14 groomsmen, a veritable explosion of chiffon and baby's breath. The best way to run from a wedding, though, would be in a vehicle. But police are treating it as a criminal investigation, it was noted this evening. Greta Van Susteren was grilling parties in the case on her Fox News show tonight, including her fiance John Mason (who, it can be said, was very calm).

When Mason mentioned that he'd seen Wilbanks after he'd come back from his run and before she went out for her run, Van Susteren quickly (astutely) asked why they didn't go running together. He remarked that she didn't like running with him because he talked too much. However, she went running with a radio and headphones, which would have drowned out a chatty jogging buddy. Greta also asked another show guest why an experienced runner such as herself would have even gone out alone without a cell phone, in the dark, blocking out her hearing with earphones. Was she really running alone?

Police said that Mason would tell them Friday if he would take a polygraph test or not. Sounds like the fiance needs to take that test.

UPDATE: Missing bride found alive in New Mexico. Claims she was kidnapped, and that the kidnnapers just let her go. Will be interesting to learn more as details develop.

Happy Birthday, Saddam!

Life's a bitch, then you turn 68 in a prison cell guarded by American soldiers while a new cabinet is named where your dictatorship used to be!

This is the former Iraqi despot's second birthday in custody since his capture in December 2003. Depending on when he's tried on crimes against humanity, and considering the Iraqi justice system most likely moves swifter than America's, it could be his last birthday.

The real Popemobile

And it can be yours, complete with verdant pasture! A German guy bought Joseph Ratzinger's 1999 Volkswagen Golf -- and has the registration to prove it (confirmed by eBay), even though new Pope Benedict XVI isn't known to drive. Germany eBay is listing the car until May 5, and bidding is already up to nearly $60,000 U.S.

Since cleanliness is next to godliness, it's no surprise that the interior of the Golf is in such good shape. No sauerkraut stains in this car!

UPDATE: The car sold for $244,800 to a U.S. bidder. Cha-ching!

Misplaced Idolatry

Why, oh WHY, was Scott Savol in the top three in the elimination round of "American Idol" tonight? And Constantine Maroulis, a hot rocker with a cute smile, good voice and -- ahem -- NO RAP SHEET, was voted off! No wonder it reduced Paula Abdul to tears, though that's decidedly not difficult.

You may remember that weeks ago Savol was the subject of a report on The Smoking Gun -- or police report, one can say. After pleading to charges in a domestic violence incident against the mother of his kid, "Idol" officials deemed that remorse was enough to keep him in the running. Savol's been belligerent to Simon Cowell, and constantly looks like he's on the verge of going off on somebody. And -- this may be important to determining who gets a record contract as well -- he can't sing and has the personality of paint thinner.

MTV.com asked "How has Scott Savol managed to stay so long on 'Idol'?" They point to this "everyman" factor, but every man doesn't smack around women. "Suprisingly, people seem to think that physically abusing a woman is not a big deal," said Jillian Kuras of Reality TV Calendar to MTV. Entertainment Weekly says, "Who on earth keeps voting for this guy?" The Lexington Herald-Leader suggests that a site called votefortheworst.com is encouraging people to hold on to the stinkiest contestant to keep the show interesting. Rich Ord on WebProNews suggests that software is helping people speed vote.

So who is voting for Savol, besides pranksters and guys sitting on the couch in wifebeater shirts with Funyuns and Keystone Light scratching themselves and hollering at their women? Whoever it is needs to turn themselves in and quit playing dice with the universe.

Slow news days: a primer

What in the world is going on today? Not much. And hence we find ourselves in one of those news slumps, where the most engrossing item of the day is "American Idol" or exploding toads in Germany (proving, as Adam Corolla says, that all bizarre news stories come from either Germany or Florida). Seriously -- the argument over filibusters is about as exciting as the practice itself, and isn't helped by the commercials with the dweeby guy claiming he's a Republican who loves filibusters. And Social Security reform debate is aging all of us, yet the Comatose News Network still love the topic. House ethics rules? A barrel of laughs, really.

What happens on slow news days at a newspaper? Some story about burgers and fries making you fat makes it to page one. Editors flip through the channels on the cable TV to see which station is playing "Office Space." Bidding on eBay peaks. Photos of community ribbon-cuttings and other photos that collectively make journalists cringe get better play in the paper than should be legal. And sometimes, just in time for deadline, something scandalous happens to save the day.

I know, it was Monday...

... but the Wednesday Morning Club is not necessarily held on Wednesdays. It's named so because it was formed the morning after Bill Clinton won the presidential election by a group of entertainment industry conservatives. The steering committee includes Robert Duvall and Icon Pictures exec Steve McEveety.

Monday's lunch featured Ron and Allis Radosh, authors of "Red Star Over Hollywood," talking about the history of communist influence in Tinsel Town. And after going to so many banquets with rubber chicken, it was especially pleasant to enjoy the Four Seasons. I was in the company of many of the usual suspects at conservative film events -- actress Cheryl Rhoads, actress Govindini Murty and director Jason Apuzzo of the Liberty Film Festival and Libertas blog, and John Meroney, a writer and producer concentrating on Reagan's career -- and Holly Strom of the California Women's Leadership Association, community activist Patricia Bell Hearst, actor Ron Maxwell, film noir actress Coleen Zeiser, Larry Greenfield of the Republican Jewish Coalition and more. And yet I had to eventually leave this oasis to venture into the cruel, hard world known as the Valley...

We've only just begun

Why do birds suddenly appear every time Dubya and Abdullah are near?

Political humor is often bipartisan, and I could hardly stop laughing at the images of Bush welcoming Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah to his Crawford ranch Monday. Nor did the Carpenters soundtrack stop running through my head as the pair, hand in hand, frolicked through the blue bonnets. It took foreign relations to a whole new level.

Oh yeah, they talked about oil prices and stuff like that, but who really noticed?

After skipping through the flower patch, Crown Prince Abdullah evidentally worked up an appetite and decided to partake in an American experience on his way out of town, as he and his posse crashed a mini-mart to buy junk food. Pictures show the crown prince clutching a bag of Munchies and a Snickers bar as he got back on his bus. It was a bizarre photo op, but Frito Lay may have found a new pitchman.

No place like the joint

What's the hottest spot to stay in the U.S. this year? Not the Four Seasons, but San Quentin!

Growing at a rate of about 900 inmates each week between mid-2003 and mid-2004, the nation's prisons and jails held 2.1 million people, or one in every 138 U.S. residents, the Associated Press reports today. One in 138? Very depressing news for single women, or the smart ones who seek law-abiding men.

The latest figures from the Bureau of Justice Statistics say that 8,000 more people were admitted to federal prisons last year than were released. The crime rate nationwide has dropped as more go to the slammer.

And the bad news is?

With inmate populations rising, you have the mobilizations of liberal groups that claim the prisoners are being wronged, the cops are being too tough, laws like "Three Strikes" are unfair, yadda yadda. When jails get overcrowded like in Los Angeles County, officials turn to early release. But when you try to build more jails, you get the "build schools, not jails" bumpersticker militia claiming that money spent on building more cells is money wasted. Never mind that the criminals will still be there regardless, and if you don't have the cells to confine them how are you going to keep those schoolkids safe?

The AP quotes Malcolm Young of the Sentencing Project, a prison-alternative advocacy group, as saying, "We're working under the burden of laws and practices that have developed over 30 years that have focused on punishment and prison as our primary response to crime."

Unfortunately, jail or prison time isn't so much about rehabilitation or punishment as it is about keeping society safe from the harmful elements within. Do we want child molesters to serve more than six years in prison because we want more punishment, or are we driven by the need to protect kids?

The great white pope

Before I delve into the installation of Pope Benedict XVI, I'd like to comment on one of His Holiness' true assets -- the fluffy white hair. There was no controlling it during the Mass. First there was cowlick sticking over his forehead from beneath the miter, then after he took that off Archbishop Piero Marini, liturgical master of ceremonies, quickly tried to brush Benedict's hair under the white skullcap. No use -- a nice chunk quickly flipped over to the wrong side, creating a flock-of-seagulls sort of look until he just dispensed of the skullcap altogether and let the breeze have its way with his mane.

And fluffy white hair runs in the family -- check out 81-year-old brother Father Georg.

Unfortunately, Fox News didn't start its coverage until the beginning of the Mass. So I turned to CNN for their half-hour pregame show, so to speak. Highly annoying. They weren't even using the great pool feed from Vatican TV to report on what was happening in St. Peter's Square. They had a correspondent speaking bad English talking to a German guy who wanted the Church to allow condoms. (Then and there? What, did he want them handed out instead of communion? Could he have picked a better time to complain?) And Christiane Amanpour, talking to two Catholic-press pundits, brought up the Hitler Youth thing; one pundit (biographer) said that Ratzinger didn't fire a shot during World War II, to which Amanpour quipped, "So he says!" I then flipped to MSNBC; while Benedict was visiting St. Peter's remains the news anchor was yabbering incessantly about why people dislike Ratzinger. Then finally Fox started its coverage with blessed silence.

All in all, great Mass. Excellent homily, friendly Benedict, and props to the stylist -- great gold theme with the vestments, though Ratzinger's brother was drowning in fuschia -- but Queen Sofia of Spain looked like she was about to get married. I've also enjoyed seeing the Eastern Orthodox dress and chants this month. Creepy organ music at the end was more "Phantom of the Opera" than joyful Mass ending, though. Watching these Masses on TV has truly shown that we're all human: Even cardinals fidget during Mass, yawn, blow their noses (and sneeze -- "bless you!").

Thai Cardinal Michael Michai Kitbunchu hit the microphone yesterday -- new "Inside Edition" correspondent? Yet most likely to start a media career after this month is Father Jonathan Morris of the Legionnaires of Christ, an extremely photogenic young priest who Fox seemed to have found in Rome before John Paul II's death; he quickly became a "Fox News contributor" and has come to rule the microphone whenever he's on. I predict a daytime talk show for Father Morris, and it'll be a hit. Who's his agent?