NRO: Fine, I'm a warmonger ... and I love it!

Check out my column on National Review Online today! I'll just jump right into it here:

"After years of supporting war, invasions, occupations, limited skirmishes, and terse verbal exchanges, I have come to grips with the label lobbed at me by leftists like rocket-propelled grenades: I am a warmonger.

In fact, the antiwar contingent was aware of my warmongering tendencies before I was. Last fall, I wrote a column advocating that people get their heads out of the sand and acknowledge the need to do something about Iran. I never said exactly what that something should be, which could range from carpet bombing to harsh language to Jimmy Carter campfire singalongs. Yet a letter writer saw right through my lack of a war declaration:

You insane piece of s**t. You want endless war for the sake of all the oppressed peoples of the world?

Democracy in Iraq, Iran, or whatever foreign cesspool you would like our boys to die liberating isn’t worth the fingernail of one American soldier. If you had a conscience or even half a brain, you’d realize that.

I can try, futilely, to explain to these sorts the feelings of moral responsibility, national security, or just plain common sense that drive my warmongering, but it is to little avail. They’ve got my number. So it’s time for me to admit my machinations. ..."

Along with confessing my warmongering, I also confess about which places I'd love to invade next:

"... Tops on the list is definitely Iran. I love the Iranian people, and global opposition to the mullahs is dedicated and vast, but that little Nazi turkey has to go. In fact, I wouldn’t just like to topple the regime in Iran, but I’d like to make Mahmoud Ahmadinejad my house slave. (That makes me a warmonger and an ACLU nightmare.) Lockdown at Gitmo would look like a Carnival Cruise after Mahmoud was finished buffing and organizing my shoe collection. Every day he’d have to watch Schindler’s List. And Iranians would be able to have fun again without fear of being smacked by religious police. ..."

You know you wanna read the rest!

(And you know you want to check out the hot stuff in the GOP Vixen store -- by God, was that an utterly shameless plug or what??)

UPDATE: To address all of the "if you're so pro-war, why don't you enlist" letters -- I did try when I was 20. I took the ASVAB (and got 96%!) with the goal of going into military intelligence. Even hung out at the Defense Language Institute. But got disqualified for a med reason. So I became a reckless journalist who, yes, sees all of this war stuff. And I'd still like to make Mahmoud my house slave. In a fluffy pink apron.

UPDATE NUMERO DOS: They say you're nobody until someone loves you. Conversely, you know a column is something when a super-leftist calls you the "c" word. So a shout out to reader Adam Roberts for doing just so!!

Comments

[Ned]

Thanks Bridget, your column today really cheered me up. Our local paper had a typical anti-war letter-to-editor with all the usual Democrat talking points included. I usually just laugh at the ignorance these rants espouse, but this time, more so than others, I kept thinking of the families of the dead having to hear and see this crap. I think of the wounded having to come home and being told their sacrifice was for nothing. I am thankful for the people out there who "get it".

[Leslie]

You're my kind of warmonger!

[Red Texan]

Howdy,

"copper or cobalt or something like that", I literally fell out of my chair laughing. Keep up the good work, we are all behind you down here.

[Henry Minsky]

It was a stupid mistake to have attacked Iraq during the first gulf war. It was equally stupid to have attacked them again in the second gulf war.

We should have let Saddam Hussein take Kuwait, then Saudi Arabia, then the rest of the shit-hole middle east, and then pound Iran into rubble. Then, when he had run all the Islamic clerics through meat grinders, and thoroughly pyrged the Islamic fundamentalists, as he did in Iraq, we could have nuked Iraq and liberated a middle east which was largely rid of the worst of the Islamofascists.

[mg]

If you're such a lover of war, why not join the military?
Love,
Your Local U.S. Armed Forces Recruiter

[Referee]

Pathetic. You guys are stuck in Iraq. You'll quit it evenually as the Russians quit Afghanistan leaving behind a bloody mess.

Now on to Iran. That country is 3 times bigger in population and in a much better shape militarily than Iraq. The Iranians won't greet you with flowers.
What's your plan there? Airstrikes? Another mess left behind?

[Jon S]

Spot on! US led invasions have certainly solved more of the world's problems than all of the peace activists that have ever lived. Perhaps you could keep a running list of countries or areas that need invading. My guess is that we will need more additions than subtractions in the coming months.

[kerry o]

Right on, Vixen! and let's not forget Sudan, Syria...the list is long.

[Rod]

Priceless. Be careful with Mahmoud and your shoes. He may prove to b a cross dreser and try them on. I would love a picture of that.

[Bob Will]

You left out France! Forget the wine there is plenty better elsewhere but get the cheese. The country is a proven loser and should be a 24 hour pushover except for the Muslim rioters.

[Bill McNew]

Bridget should marry me. I cannot imagine a more perfect complement to my own thinking. Why can't there be more Bridgets in the world today than just 1? If her thinking were carried out there would be less war and more peace. Instead we get talk and half measures and THEN we get war, attempts at stupid pacifism notwithstanding.

[Megs]

Funniest thing read today! I was laughing out loud ... in my cube which can be dangerous since I'm surrounded by lefties.

Definitely adding your blog to my favorites.

[Matthew]

Good column. I was disappointed to read recently that Mel Gibson, in discussing his new film depicting the brutal Mayan society, referred to the similarities between the Mayans and the warmongering of "Bush and his people." I thought Mel was one of the good guys, but it is Hollywood, after all.

[megapotamus]

Chicken-hawks vs Chickens?

Is there any doubt?

[Tallahassee Jingo]

Crank up the Enola Gay!

[Matt]

I highly recommend the following book - World on Fire, by Amy Chua.

[mg]

all the???
Only comment calling you out as a chickenhawk that i saw was my own.
Sounds like a cop out.
Med reason. Pshaw.
There's no shame in having done mounds of blow at a Puerto Rican cock fight in college. Isn't it a Republican rite of passage? Fess up. Let's hear the REAL reason mommi.

[Don Towers]

I loved your war monger column. I appreciate it especially as a retired Army officer. I imagine that a few readers (those liberal slow ones with no sense of humor) will not get your wit on this one, but take it a bit too literally. As to Iran and Syria and a few others, I really like John Derbyshire's motto: Rubble doesn't make trouble! I have not been a regular reader of your blog, but I am now.

[Lewis B. Sckolnick]

Now we have the Instant Mighty Iran. I guess BrainWash is still selling well.

[Bill]

Welcome "out of the closet", Bridget! ;>)
Caption for the photo:
"You have just 15 seconds to answer the question: 'How is 2+2'?"

Bill

[Chester]

Great article! I loved it. A little fear in some dictitorial SOB won't hurt.

[Nelson]

mg seems to think that bigger equals better. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn't. Their abilities are no where close to what would be needed to avoid defeat - even if we went in to this one alone.
This is the one time in history that the world has an "Imperial Power" that doesn't want to take over the world, just to free her people from religious and political tyranny. As a citizen of that "Imperial Power", I'll wear the title of WARMONGER proudly!

[Steve of Norway]

Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum