NRO: New Year's Resolutions!

2007 is nigh, and I am officially ready because yesterday I found one sole obnoxiously oversized Christmas popcorn tin left on clearance. (Which means I'll eat the butter and cheese, a few nibbles of the caramel corn, and the caramel corn will slowly go stale, resulting in throwing out the sticky tin and all some weeks down the road.) National Review Online is also ready with a slate of New Year's goodies, including my column on my ten resolutions! These include:

• Do a dramatic oral reading of Jimmy Carter’s new book at a Bay Area coffeehouse. After all, great works of fiction deserve such flair, care, and attention. And there is no danger that anyone there will be so flabbergasted by the absurdity of the book that he will choke on his organic peanuts.
• Serve Hebrew National hot dogs to anti-Israel protesters. This is the year that I have finally had it with all of the demonstrators who claim they’re not anti-Semitic, not anti-Israel, just against the Israeli leadership, as they stomp on and burn the Israeli flag, call Israelis Nazis, and praise Hezbollah and Hamas as saviors of humanity. This past year we frighteningly saw some people embrace Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Holocaust denial conference as a legitimate tool for questioning the existence of Israel. “Anti-Israel” is far too often a cover for “anti-Semitic,” and in the interest of “never again” (remember that, United Nations?) I intend to annoy the Israel-bashers as much as possible this year.
• Grab other conservative pundits for a weekend of headline-grabbing partying in the manner of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton. I shall be Lohan, pre-gothic hair dye, because unlike Britney, I remember to put on unmentionables. The New York Daily News will catch up with the squad of conservavixens and christen the GOP the “Republican Par-TAY!”

Check out the whole shabang!

Comments

[Peacekeeper]

"unlike Britney, I remember to put on unmentionables."

Thanks for painting that picture.

[Ned]

How about a "Hangin With Saddam Party."

[The Malcontent]

I'll eat the caramel corn!

[Lewis B. Sckolnick]

Had you been at Valley Books in Amherst MA on the 26th you could have heard from the assistant how Israel dictates US Foreign Policy.

[Lewis B. Sckolnick]

If you really want to eat the caramel corn you had better beat the cats to it.

[Peacekeeper]

Amherst Massachusetts? Hah! I used to go down there in college to pursue liberal women in hopes that they would all be easy.
What we found was that there are a lot of angry lesbians in the area, the thickest concentration being in nearby North Hampton, known as "North Tampon" by us fustrated, libidinous males.

Is this too offensive to print?

[Katherine the Somewhat Great]

Awesome NRO article. I personally would like to see Chavez-baiting become a competitive sport. Wouldn't it be fun to have a really cool hybrid car come along that used a middle finger salute to Chavez as it's logo?

[Rancher]

Many Cubans have their Botellas of champagne or other beverages waiting for the day Castro dies. There are various web sites with death pools on when it will happen. Party hardy, I intend to also (as if an excuse is needed). Vacation in Southern Kurdistan, many Iraqis do.