GOP Vixen

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for March 13, 2006:

• Study: Fewer News Stories Offer Any Depth, AP -- Hee hee... hee hee hee hee!
• Daschle Weighing White House Run in '08, AP -- Dude, you lost your longtime Senate seat. Not a good precursor.
• George W. Bush is not evil. He is just stupid, Pravda -- Should we run through the list of Russian leaders for a similar quick analysis?
• Hamas delegation in Moscow praises Russia and attacks Israel, Pravda -- That's impressive reach, actually.
• Underpaid, oversexed and over here, AP -- "Bangladeshi workers banned from Malaysia because local women find them too attractive are apparently now being smuggled in as students." Who can resist clicking on that story?
• Chavez flies the flag for change, Al-Jazeera -- Hugo Chavez: President. Bolivar groupie. Troublemaker. Whiner. National flag redesigner.

Chavez turned the galloping horse from facing right -- which he deemed "imperialist" -- to symbolically trotting to the left. What a goober.

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for March 8, 2006:

• Number of Illegal Immigrants Hits 12M, AP -- I like how the study blames tough border security for keeping them in the country. All you have to do to cross into Mexico at Tijuana in walk through an unguarded turnstyle. It's when you try to cross back that there are problems.
• N.Korea says won't return to talks under duress, Reuters -- They're just jealous because Iran's getting all the attention!
• Axl Unloads on Ex-Gunners, E! -- Former Guns N Roses frontman trying to milk royalties from his ex-bandmates. Does he ever realize that they could have been one of the greatest rock bands ever had he not been such a dufus?
• 'The Bachelor' Couple Say Romance Is Over, AP -- This is why nobody watches this show -- every single "Bachelor" has ended in breakup. The only marriage was when "Bachelorette" Trista Rehn was doing the picking.
• Pope toting his iPod around, Sun UK -- Who says Benedict isn't hip?

Pretty fly for a white guy

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for March 2, 2006:

• Bin Laden 'likes hugs not kisses,' BBC -- The amazing part is someone tried to kiss him to find this out.
• Abbas says signs of al Qaeda in Gaza, West Bank, Reuters -- Just don't kiss them.
• Camilla's kiss for the Queen, Daily Telegraph -- She tried to kiss Osama, but was rudely rebuffed.
• Rapper Busta Rhymes sued for assault, Reuters -- Did Busta Rhymes busta face?
• UN force in Sudan 'will raise al-Qaeda threat,' Daily Telegraph -- Gives new meaning to "where the U.N. goes, trouble follows."
• Deadly H5N1 virus continues to spread in Russian regions, Pravda -- And they're armed and ready to tackle the bug:

Isn't that, er, overkill?

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for February 27, 2006:

• George Michael arrested again, Sun UK -- Apparently, he was slumped over the wheel of a car at packed with pot, Ecstasy, porn, sex toys, and masks at Hyde Park. Musta been some party.
• New Bond pursues suicide bomber in first flick, Sun UK -- Considering most suicide bombers are idiot lackeys (think Richard Reid), that sounds like a super-challenging plot.
• US-run jail in Afghanistan 'worse than Guantanamo,' Daily Telegraph -- Apparently, the delicately-glazed orange chicken is not on the menu... in fact, soldiers were spotted serving inmates Hot Pockets one day. Torture.
• Saudi Forces Kill Five Terror Suspects, AP -- I'm rather liking the Saudis' "shoot first, ask questions later" approach...
• Abqaiq Bombers Named, Arab News -- Tests show that the two would-be suicide bombers at the Saudi oil facility were, in fact, "deviants." (translation: al-Qaida)

Arab News' cartoon of the day (not Muhammad on the dead horse)

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for February 24, 2006:

• Philippines President Declares Emergency, AP -- Yes, an emergency other than a hill burying a town... Arroyo fends off coup-sters (that is my made-up word of the week).
• Americans work more, seem to accomplish less, Reuters -- (I'm raising my hand on the other end of the computer here...)
• Cat dragged in tarantula, Sun UK -- Hence another reason for keeping one's cats indoors.
• German Handed 1-Year Sentence for Insulting Quran, Arab News -- Let's put it this way -- Newsweek would accuse him of Koran flushing.
• Napoleon inspires Dolce & Gabbana, Daily Telegraph -- All clothes made for bitchy Corsicans, with space to slip hand in the front of jacket...

Too short for the catwalk

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for February 22, 2006:

• Explosion Damages Dome of Shiite Shrine, AP -- We didn't do it!
• Indian court sentences Danish cartoonists to death, Pravda -- Yeah, I'm sure they'll head right over to accept their sentence. (Do they get 20 years of appeals?)
• Global spread of English threatens US, UK: study, Reuters -- I thought it just made it easier for us to travel.
• Fla. Man Kills Roommate Over Toilet Paper, AP -- "But officer, I told him not to squeeze the f*@#ing Charmin!!"
• Calif. Execution Postponed Indefinitely, AP -- Meanwhile, taxpayers demand reimbursement for his last meal.
• San Francisco Examines Power of Dog Droppings, AP -- The lefty city has just realized it's full of ... well, you do the Mad Lib.
• Russia's Olympic sponsor makes athletes booze and wear uncomfortable clothes, Pravda -- Don't they do that anyway?

Russian Olympic team: Gatorade is for wussies

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for February 20, 2006:

• Bin Laden Vows Never to Be Captured Alive, AP -- "'I have sworn to only live free. Even if I find bitter the taste of death, I don't want to die humiliated or deceived,' bin Laden said, in the 11-minute, 26-second tape." I vote for humiliated.
• Oxygen Limited for Trapped Mexican Miners, AP -- OK, this is becoming an epidemic for below-ground facilities. 'Strip': It's better for mining and better for poker.
• A million Brazilians, Sun UK -- Thank God they were talking about the Rolling Stones concert, not waxing.
• Middle East Team in Denmark to Present Correct Image of the Prophet, Arab News -- Apparently, they meant "character," but they might want to drop the word "image" before another riot breaks out.
• Gay activists to turn Moscow into Brokeback Mountain, Pravda -- "I wish I knew how to quit you!" Sergei Ivanov called out after Vladimir Putin...

Never say dasvidaniya, comrade

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for February 16, 2006:

• Cheney Takes Blame for Hunting Accident, AP -- Now will everybody just shut up about it? (That was obviously a rhetorical question.)
• Poll: Jesse Jackson, Condoleezza Rice Are Top Black Leaders, AP -- And yet they are like fire and water...
• Iranians turn on Danish pastries in cartoon row, Reuters -- Cheese and lemon danishes will henceforth be known as "Roses of the Prophet Mohammad." Don't expect to see his smiling mug on the packaging.
• In 50 years time Australia will be a Muslim state, Pravda -- "G'day, infidel!"
• Iran hints at Venezuelan nuclear tie, Al-Jazeera -- That's a great way to begin the morning.
• New protests as Pakistan blames 'hidden hands' for riots, AFP -- Why is it that KFC restaurants are such a big target in Pakistan? There is no more dangerous job in that far-off land than frying chicken with a secret blend of herbs and spices.

Infidel

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for February 13, 2006:

• Cheney Accidentally Shoots Fellow Hunter, AP -- Have we not told Dems that you don't mess with Cheney?
• 'Death or exile' for Nepal's king, Reuters -- "A week off" wasn't an option offered by those scoundrel Maoists.
• Saddam hunger strike threat retracted, Al-Jazeera -- All they did was wave Cool Ranch Doritos under his nose.
• Berlusconi says he is like Jesus, Daily Telegraph -- Pat Robertson seen in the street burning Italian flags and bags of salami!
• Don't Smack Your Wife While Driving, Arab News -- This headline could only be seen in a Saudi Arabian newspaper.
• Shoe sales ran circles around apparel in 2005, Reuters -- I fully support shoe acquisitions.
• 7,000 Pakistani Students Protest Cartoons, AP -- Because they don't have any, like, studying to do?
• Gore Laments U.S. 'Abuses' Against Arabs, AP -- I'd like to lament all the abuses against our ears that Al has flung over the years...

Al Gore's two-minute warning

Heads and tales

The highlights and lowlights of the headlines for February 10, 2006:

• Libby: White House 'Superiors' OK'd leaks, AP -- Aww, he's just trying to drum up fresh publicity to sell more copies of his dirty book days before Valentine's...
• Taliban promises 100kg of gold for cartoonist's head, Pravda -- And in what cave would they be storing the bounty?
• 'American Idol' crushes Grammys in ratings, AP -- As it should be.
• Designers Flashing Back to '70s and '80s, AP -- Disco chic is fine, but never, ever bring back acid-washed jeans.
• Reality TV rivals divide the Arab world, Daily Telegraph -- The ultimate exportation of Western culture!
• Pete Burns to wed gay love, Sun UK -- Will Big Brother housemate George Galloway be maid of honor?

And now, the entertainment...